Malacañang Website to Provide Pornographic Content Nationwide

MANILA, Philippines — Malacañang assured the nation’s netizens today that they have nothing to worry about after news of porn sites being blocked by the National Telecommunications Commission (NTC) broke out.


Photo via

“There is nothing to worry about as the President expressed his willingness to provide lewd content for the entire country,” assured Presidential Communications Secretary Martin Andanar during a press conference.

He added, “As a matter of fact, starting next week, netizens would be able to stream Senator Leila De Lima’s alleged sex scandal to their heart’s content accessible via the Official Gazette of the Republic of the Philippines’ website.”

Streaming of the alleged sex video will be free for the entire country and is available in various video quality from 1080p all the way down to 140p for netizens with slow bandwidth.

Andanar added that aside from the video, the government will also offer a photo gallery containing photos of women’s knees and legs uploaded directly from the President’s personal collection.

Madami yun! Dun pa lang sa C:\SystemFiles\Hidden\Virus\Tokhang\Fetish\Legs\ na folder, halos 20GB worth of photos na ata ang nandun,” he shared, adding that Malacañang’s porn team had barely scratched the surface, and would upload more photos if they find more.

Asked whether Malacañang plans to provide additional content aside from the aforementioned video,  Andanar answered with a decisive “no”.

“The president has been watching that since last year and not once did he grew tired of it,” he explained. “That is why he expect every testosterone-filled Filipino to do the same.”

Kung kabastusan lang naman ang hanap nyo, ‘wag na kayo pumunta sa mga PornHub PornHub na yan,” Andanar said. “Manuod nalang kayo ng balita, siguradong marami kayong mapupulot na mga kabastusan mapa-Kamara o Malacañang pa yan.


One thought on “Malacañang Website to Provide Pornographic Content Nationwide

What did you think about this SATIRICAL article? Share your thoughts below.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s