GATES OF HELL, Hell — Satan, the Prince of Darkness was caught by surprise with the sudden and sneaky ceremony held today at the Libingan ng mga Bayani (LNMB), where former president Ferdinand Marcos was laid to rest.
“WHY WASN’T I INFORMED EARLIER?!” a visibly irked Satan told reporters here on Friday. “Construction of the Marcos Wing has yet to be completed!”
The Marcos Wing, located at the lowest bowels of Hell was set to be operational on December 11th and has all the bells and whistles fit for someone as evil as Marcos.
“It has chambers, dungeons and assorted torture implements for electric shock, strangulation, Russian roulette, and other forms of torture,” added the Father of Lies.
But Satan was quick to point out that the aforementioned implements are not to be used by the late dictator for his enjoyment.
“Oh no! It’s the other way around.” he clarified. “I’d like him to feel how pistol whipping or a concentrated pepper substance rubbed on one’s genitalia would feel.”
“I would torture his body so bad he would regret and blame his family, specifically Imee, Bongbong and Imelda, for sending his remains to me so hastily,” said a now diabolically laughing Devil. “Ferdinand’s tortured soul would be so distraught that he and his wax figure would find it hard to ‘move on!'”
For the meantime, until constructions are completed, Marcos would have to bunk with the likes of Hitler, Mussolini and Amin, who are all according to Satan, “envious of their new room-mate’s hero status” and would like to “sodomize his perfectly waxed ass”.
“If you’re lucky and camp out outside the LNMB, you might hear his groans of agony as early as four in the afternoon,” Satan said. “It would sound like a temperamental brat being fucked in the ass as the fiery fires of Hell melts away his skin.”