Surprise Marcos Burial Caught Satan Off Guard

fmGATES OF HELL, Hell — Satan, the Prince of Darkness was caught by surprise with the sudden and sneaky ceremony held today at the Libingan ng mga Bayani (LNMB), where former president Ferdinand Marcos was laid to rest.

“WHY WASN’T I INFORMED EARLIER?!” a visibly irked Satan told reporters here on Friday. “Construction of the Marcos Wing has yet to be completed!”

The Marcos Wing, located at the lowest bowels of Hell was set to be operational on December 11th and has all the bells and whistles fit for someone as evil as Marcos.

“It has chambers, dungeons and assorted torture implements for electric shock, strangulation, Russian roulette, and other forms of torture,” added the Father of Lies.

But Satan was quick to point out that the aforementioned implements are not to be used by the late dictator for his enjoyment.

“Oh no! It’s the other way around.” he clarified. “I’d like him to feel how pistol whipping or a concentrated pepper substance rubbed on one’s genitalia would feel.”

“I would torture his body so bad he would regret and blame his family, specifically Imee, Bongbong and Imelda, for sending his remains to me so hastily,” said a now diabolically laughing Devil. “Ferdinand’s tortured soul would be so distraught that he and his wax figure would find it hard to ‘move on!'”

For the meantime, until constructions are completed, Marcos would have to bunk with the likes of Hitler, Mussolini and Amin, who are all according to Satan, “envious of their new room-mate’s hero status” and would like to “sodomize his perfectly waxed ass”.

“If you’re lucky and camp out outside the LNMB, you might hear his groans of agony as early as four in the afternoon,” Satan said. “It would sound like a temperamental brat being fucked in the ass as the fiery fires of Hell melts away his skin.”

65 thoughts on “Surprise Marcos Burial Caught Satan Off Guard

  1. You mean to say he only died today? What was buried was a 27 years old corpse. 27 years ago his soul already went somewhere.

      • magkaiba po yung pagpapatawad sa pag move on. pwede ko po kayong patawarin sa pagiging ignorante nyo pero hindi po ako mag mo move on at gagawin kong misyon sa buhay na dalhin po kayo sa liwanag pati na po lahat ng tulad nyo.

    • i think that too. whoever wrote this…
      he will maybe someday join the person he is talking about. This is not for smart people to read and not funny at all. if you want to make news pls, not the dead people or dont say anything at random and think that youve out smarted those you hate, you are what you say!! i am not pro marcos but may he rest in peace. grow up people. dont talk or speak as if you were brought up by the devil himself. it is ok to show your true colors but leave the dead . nmake a name but doing and saying good and smart.in that case your kids dont grow up like you are now. thanks

    • i think that too. whoever wrote this…
      he will maybe someday join the person he is talking about. This is not for smart people to read and not funny at all. if you want to make news pls, not the dead people or dont say anything at random and think that youve out smarted those you hate, you are what you say!! i am not pro marcos but may he rest in peace. grow up people. dont talk or speak as if you were brought up by the devil himself. it is ok to show your true colors but leave the dead . nmake a name but doing and saying good and smart.in that case your kids dont grow up like you are now. thanks

    • If you’re trying to imititate Killer B from Naruto you’d better have those spellings right. And also, this article is genius!

  2. Lol. For me I think Cory and Ninoy are the ones who’s experiencing it now. Like duh? For all the things that they did, for fooling the citizens in the Philippines that they are the heroes, they are the kind one, when in reality they were the one who sabotages with the npa, and nearly sold the Philippines to China.
    The writer is clearly a loyalist of the yellowtards.. Obviously. Martial law has good sides too, don’t focus on the bad side. Every decision has sacrifices. Don’t narrow your mind. Be open minded. Stop reading those fabricated books! You ignorant fool!

    • The end does not justify the means. All the “good sides” of Martial Law mean nothing compared to the “bad side” we are, as you said, focusing on. No amount of roads constructed would justify violation of human rights. Please keep that in mind.

  3. Bitter. Ignorant. Fool.
    Three words that can best describe the author. Lol, you can make your own book and sell this to fools like you.

    • Or you can shut the fuck up and watch the testimonies of martial law victims who were lucky enough to make it through that era alive.

    • Or you can shut up and watch and read the testimonies of martial law victims who were lucky enough to make it through that era alive.

      • he maybe an excellent president in some aspects but it will never change the fact that his decision to declare Martial Law has brought hell upon the nation, to which many survivors and victims still feel today. He has never been held accountable for his actions. His family never acknowledge that their family head brought so much suffering to countless Filipinos. And yet they buried him at LNB? To honor a murderer and a tyrant is tantamount to damning an entire generation of Martial Law victims.

        What’s done is done but I do hope the Marcos family will be punished in his stead.

    • Do you even know what you are talking about? Have you been to the Museum of the Holocaust and/or read books like Schindler ‘ s List to even know a little about the massacre of the Jews? I have. I don’t think you have any idea what the Jews went through with Hitler. If you have some decency in you, you will never talk so lightly of the Holocaust. The same is true with Martial Law where many were tortured, disappeared, were murdered and the plunder the Marcoses did to our country. I do hope Marcos and Hitler both burn in hell for the atrocities they committed. They can’t be buried with the honorable, selfless and brave men and women.

      • i think he is on the same side. he clearly meant us moving on from martial law, is like telling the jews to move on from the holocaust. But anyway i agree with your points anyway, im just saying your anger is somehow misderected. But cheers and have a good day

  4. BRILLIANT! Undeniably witty. KEEP WRITING, PLEASE!😀
    #MarcosNotAHero

    P.S.
    For the prosaic critics who cannot amass a response other than “yellowtard ka lang”, I urge you to work on your skills of persuasion and reasoning. Defend your position, and don’t just throw daggers of insult (and stupid remarks) to people whose point of view differ from yours. You might as well hear it from Shakespeare himself:

    “I Would Challenge You To a Battle of Wits, But I See You Are Unarmed”

    Cheers!

  5. Only fools would make an evil man a hero.. that makes the Philippines a country of fools.. Even Satan was surprised of this foolishness.

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