Malacañang Acquires Penis-Shaped Ballistic Missile to Solve Nation’s Problems

The PHALLICBM-DU30 being transported to a secured and undisclosed location after Monday's delivery from Algeria

The PHALLICBM-DU30 being transported to a secured and undisclosed location after Monday’s delivery from Algeria

MANILA, Philippines — Continuing its goal to modernize the Philippine Army and its defense capabilities, the Philippine government on Monday,  acquired a long-range ballistic missile from North African Country Algeria to defend itself from foreign threats.

The PHALLICBM-DU30 (Philippine-Algeria Long-Range Intercontinental Ballistic Missile) is a three-stage guided ballistic missile with a minimum range of 30,016 kilometers primarily designed for nuclear weapons delivery. The technology is akin to North Korea’s Taepodong-2 missile, retro-fitted specifically to fit the requirements of the Philippines.

Thanks to its spherical twin boosters attached to a medium-sized shaft constructed from rigid Vibranium, the PHALLICBM-DU30 has a maximum thrust of 100,000 Ibf, capable of delivering a huge payload on long-ranged targets and is able to penetrate the hardest of military installations.

“This is historic because this is the first time the country will have its very own ICBM,” said Presidential spokesperson Edwin Lacierda on Monday. “Not only will this penis-shaped missile deter foreign threats from ever thinking about further intrusions into our country but we are hoping that this phallic symbol of manhood be instrumental in solving a number of our country’s problems.”

He went on to add that nobody would’ve thought that a simple rock-hard piece of metallic shaft with a pointy tip attached to two round engines would’ve solved hunger, poverty, criminality and corruption; but Malacañang was willing to think out-of-the-box for the sake of the Filipino people.

Lacierda also revealed that Department of National Defense (DND) decided to purchase the PHALLICBM-DU30 instead of its predecessor, the SU-PHALLICBM-POT,after seeing the latter’s lackluster test results due to its warhead being covered in a membrane, similar to an uncircumcised penis.

“The DND realized that an intercontinental ballistic missile with a foreskin would not be able to solve most of the country’s problems, much less the tension on West Philippine Sea,” said Lacierda. “Even though half of the world’s missiles have foreskins, we though that a country as narrow-minded as the Philippines would appreciate a missile with more manliness qualities such as the PHALLICBM-DU30.”

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