Clone Army of Francis Tolentino to Help Ease EDSA Traffic

tolentino_trafficMANILA, Philippines — Saying that drastic times call for drastic measures, President Benigno Aquino III has tasked the Department of Science and Technology (DOST) to make clones out of MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino in order to solve the traffic problem on EDSA.

“It was agreed upon that priority action should be taken to clear six major intersections that are traffic congestion ‘choke points’ along EDSA,” said the President. “That is why Atty. Tolentino has agreed to make copies of himself in order to ease the traffic problem.”

He added, “We will deploy 104 clones of Atty. Tolentino in two shifts equipped with reflective vest and traffic batons . They will assist MMDA personnel to ensure orderly traffic along EDSA.”

Scientists at the DOST are hard at work perfecting the cloning method in order to meet the deployment schedule on Monday.

“Our subject has been very cooperative and receptive of our tests,” said Dr. Michael Keaton, head of DOST’s Cloning and Biochemistry Department. “He told us that these clones would be helpful for a busy man like himself.”

“The clones can be deployed at EDSA 24/7, while Mr. Tolentino can go around the country campaigning for his apparent senatorial bid,” he added.

According to Dr. Keaton, the MMDA Chairman, without second thought, agreed right away to the huge undertaking but only on one condition.

“He also wanted clones of his official photographer for each of the 104 duplicates of himself,” the doctor added. “Apparently, photo ops are the fad nowadays.”

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