MANILA, Philippines — After reviewing his brand essence and analyzing what makes the local music industry tick, 19-year-old singer Rhap Salazar decided to undergo various surgeries in order to contort to the demands of the changing Filipino market.
This after Salazar, a former winner of ABS-CBN’s reality show “Little Big Star”, tweeted how he hate seeing non-singers lip-sync on tv with some even signed to produce albums.
“Sinabi ko lang naman ang observations ko at kung ano ang nararamdaman ko,” said Salazar. “Pero napag-isip isip ko ding kailangan kong mag-adapt sa napaka dynamic taste ng mga pilipino pagdating sa music.“
“Inakala kong sapat na ang purong talento sa pagkanta at yung letter H sa first name ko,” he added, “Kaya napagdesisyunan kong magpakonsulta sa doctor kung ano ang nararapat para maging swak ako sa panlasa ng pinoy.“
According to celebrity cosmetologist Dr. Castor Troy, Salazar needed multiple surgeries in order to compete with famous non-singers that are all the rage these days that are dominating the Original Pilipino Music (OPM) market.
“Mr. Salazar needs to undergo facial reconstructive surgery in order to achieve the level of talent that Filipinos demand,” said Dr. Troy. “We are striving to achieve a combination of Daniel Padilla, James Reid and Xian Lim looks for our patient.”
The doctor was quick to point out that the looks of Salazar will not be the only feature altered, but a minor medical procedure will also be made to his funny bones in order to enhance his sense of humor.
Dr. Troy will also perform minor modifications to Salazar’s vocal chords as well.
“If only dimpled smiles, chiseled cheek bones and slanted eyes are all that it takes to please the discerning ears of OPM listeners,” said the doctor. “But NO. We will modify the patient’s vocal chords, specifically his diaphragm, velum, vocal tract and larynx; so that his voice would occasionally croak every now and then.”
“While were at it, why not alter his hearing as well, so that Mr. Salazar will lose his sense of hearing and in the process, be out of tune every time he sings,” he added, saying that even the world of medicine cannot explain Filipino’s penchant for singers who are very talented in their own right, with singing just not one of them.
The doctor is confident that the “new” Rhap Salazar will take the OPM charts by storm after his operation.
“After three weeks of recovery, record labels will definitely be falling in line in order to sign and make him sing revivals,” Dr. Troy confidently said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Lito Camo or heck, even Vice Ganda will ask Mr. Salazar to do a collaboration, because nothing says mainstream, OPM and talented more than songs containing ridiculous words taken from netizen’s everyday vocabulary as their lyrics.”