Washington, D.C. – U.S.A. — The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) confirmed today a breakthrough in their investigation about the authenticity of a DNA sample sent to them from the Philippines.
“After an extensive and thorough examination of the test specimens brought to us, we can hereby conclude with finality what everyone might or might not want to hear,” said Maury Povich, Director of FBI’s Forensic and Genetics Division.
“As much as I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, this announcement might actually be good to someone’s ears.”
He then went on to reiterate before revealing the results, that the tests were checked, double checked and triple checked to ensure 100% credibility and accuracy, and to avoid casting any doubts on the bureau’s testing process.
“On behalf of the FBI, we would like to confirm, with finality, that Benigno “Noynoy” Simeon Aquino III, the incumbent president of the Republic of the Philippines, is INDEED the son of the beloved and late Senator Benigno “Ninoy” Simeon Aquino, Jr.”
Povich elaborated that as much as the Filipinos want Noynoy to mirror the values, traits, sincerity and compassion of his late father, such is not the way nature intended.
“God made each of us unique,” he explained. “Values such as dedication, sensitivity and truthfulness are not always passed down from parent to offspring.”
He added that, “Physical traits like black-framed eyeglasses are easily achieved to mimic the looks of a parent, but decisiveness, heroism and genuine compassion are oftentimes portrayed, but not felt by the masses.”
“That or poor communication skills that fails to put people’s worries at ease, which is beyond my field of expertise” said Povich.
He ended the press briefing by saying, “The apple does not fall far from the tree, but sometimes there are strong gust of wind that might alter the distance of the fruit from the tree.”
DNA Submitted for Testing
Last week, a group of concerned citizens submitted a pack of cigarette butts that was left behind by President Benigno Aquino III after delivering the eulogy for the 44 slain PNP-SAF members, to the FBI for DNA testing.
The group wanted to confirm whether or not their incumbent president is actually the offspring of the late Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino, Jr. after questions were raised regarding the former’s sincerity and actions following last weeks heartbreaking events.
“Medyo nagduda lang po kami kung talagang anak ni Ninoy at Cory itong presidente natin,” said Beah Nhavharro, Secretary General of Alliance for Love, Adulation and Compliments for President Aquino (ALACPA). “Medyo hindi kasi ‘presidentiable’ yung mga pinaggagagawa nya these past few days at mabuti na yung sigurado tayo.“
She added, “Now that the FBI has confirmed our president’s authenticity, we can rest easily at night knowing that the greatest President the Philippines ever had can sometimes make blunders and bungle pala.”
The Democratic Entity of Dedicated Music Artist for Noynoy Aquino (DEDMANA), lead by Tim Paradas also heaved a sigh of relief upon the unveiling of the FBI findings.
“Whew! Kahit ako nagkaroon ng agam-agam last week sa mga desisyon ng ating mahal na pangulo,” said Paradas.
“Palagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko na, ‘Ganito ba mag press conference at eulogy ang isang anak ni Cory na kung saan nagdadalamhati ang sambayanan?’ at ”Magagawa ba ng nagiisang anak ni Ninoy na Commander in Chief ng Armed Forces of the Philippines ang hindi pagdalo sa arrival honors sa Villamor Airbase at sa halip ay pumunta sa inauguration ng pagawaan ng kotse?'”
He concluded, “Sa tulong ng FBI, nalaman na natin ang kasagutan sa mga tanong na iyan.”
“Posible naman pala.“
How About Kris?
Both groups currently have no plans to submit DNA samples of presidential sister, Kris Aquino, to verify whether or not she really is the daughter of Mr. & Mrs. Aquino.
“Tanggap na namin yan,” said Nhavharro. “Tama yung sinabi ni FBI Director Povich tungkol sa apples.“
“Baka lang may habagat o buhawi nung araw na nahulog si Kris,” added Paradas in jest.