Uber to Mimic Taxi Modus in Order to Meet High LTFRB Standards

uber_logoMANILA, Philippines — Ridesharing service company, Uber, announced today that they are planning to hire unscrupulous drivers equipped with spray bottles that cause passengers to feel drowsy, in order to gain the acceptance of the Land Transportation Franchise and Regulatory Board (LTFRB).

“These are in accordance to LTFRB’s strict concern about passenger safety,” said Uber regional manager, Bike Mrown. “We are so ashamed that we haven’t taken these steps before to ensure that our passengers will get bilked by our drivers.”

“As for our existing line of drivers, they will be given a crash course on how to cheat passengers out of their fares; as well as teaching them the proper use of those dizzying liquid in spray bottles.”

Mrown cites the importance of such training in order to prevent both the passenger and the driver from falling asleep during transit.

“As much as we want our passengers to have a peaceful and relaxing ride on our vehicles via these spray bottles, the same cannot be said for our drivers,” he added. “We want our drivers to concentrate on their driving, and leave the sleeping part, albeit involuntary, to our faithful clients.”

Furthermone, Uber plans to improve the algorithms used to calculate a passenger’s fare by installing the LTFRB approved “batingting” software or Uber version 4.8.3b.

Uber-driver“Our customers will be so surprised at the huge spike on their fares that they would jump back to the tried-and-tested LTFRB-registered traditional taxis that are so safe to ride on,” Mrown added.

Clients of Uber welcomed the improvements being made by the company.

“I’m so glad that Uber is taking steps to ensure that their service would be up to par with those crappy taxis that the LTFRB deemed as ‘safe’,” said Mira Kendoza, a loyal Uber customer.

“I can’t wait to fall asleep inside a sleek, black and luxurious car while the driver, dressed to the nines, tries to rob me in broad daylight,” added Lax Ducas. “Thanks for looking out for our safety, LTFRB.”

Bike Mrown added, “I hope these changes that we have in store for our passengers would be worthy of LTFRB’s high standards of approval.”


4 thoughts on “Uber to Mimic Taxi Modus in Order to Meet High LTFRB Standards

  1. You forgot the required LTFRB course to teach drivers the proper reasons to refuse a destination if it is inconvenient for the driver.

  2. They need to crash course their drivers to swear at passengers ASAP. Their rating system of 1 to five is nothing compared to the very courteous, well groomed drivers and their sweet smelling, always spic and span taxis. I love the puke scent, cigarette and stinky foot air fresheners they have.

What did you think about this SATIRICAL article? Share your thoughts below.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s