MANILA, Philippines — Ridesharing service company, Uber, announced today that they are planning to hire unscrupulous drivers equipped with spray bottles that cause passengers to feel drowsy, in order to gain the acceptance of the Land Transportation Franchise and Regulatory Board (LTFRB).
“These are in accordance to LTFRB’s strict concern about passenger safety,” said Uber regional manager, Bike Mrown. “We are so ashamed that we haven’t taken these steps before to ensure that our passengers will get bilked by our drivers.”
“As for our existing line of drivers, they will be given a crash course on how to cheat passengers out of their fares; as well as teaching them the proper use of those dizzying liquid in spray bottles.”
Mrown cites the importance of such training in order to prevent both the passenger and the driver from falling asleep during transit.
“As much as we want our passengers to have a peaceful and relaxing ride on our vehicles via these spray bottles, the same cannot be said for our drivers,” he added. “We want our drivers to concentrate on their driving, and leave the sleeping part, albeit involuntary, to our faithful clients.”
Furthermone, Uber plans to improve the algorithms used to calculate a passenger’s fare by installing the LTFRB approved “batingting” software or Uber version 4.8.3b.
Clients of Uber welcomed the improvements being made by the company.
“I’m so glad that Uber is taking steps to ensure that their service would be up to par with those crappy taxis that the LTFRB deemed as ‘safe’,” said Mira Kendoza, a loyal Uber customer.
“I can’t wait to fall asleep inside a sleek, black and luxurious car while the driver, dressed to the nines, tries to rob me in broad daylight,” added Lax Ducas. “Thanks for looking out for our safety, LTFRB.”
Bike Mrown added, “I hope these changes that we have in store for our passengers would be worthy of LTFRB’s high standards of approval.”