MAKATI, Philippines — Vice President Jejomar Binay announced today that residents of Makati shall receive complimentary roast pigs and bouquet of flowers to show his gratitude for still being the most trusted government official in the latest survey.
“Ikinagagalak ko pong sabihin na hindi lang po keyk ang kaya naming ipamigay sa inyo (I am happy to announce that cakes are not the only gifts we can afford),” said Binay. “Simula po bukas, maaari nyo nang matikman ang sustansyang dala ng lechon (Starting tomorrow, you will be able to taste the sustenance that roast pork brings).”
But Binay didn’t stop there.
After announcing the free lechon, he went on to announce that residents of Makati will also receive bouquet of flowers.
“Isa-isa po kayong makakatanggap ng bouquet ng orchids upang mgahatid saya sa inyong mga tahanan (Each one you shall receive a bouquet of orchids in order to bring cheer to your homes),” he added.
“Ganito tayo sa Makati.”
In other news
Meanwhile, residents near a piggery in Rosario, Batangas reportedly heard cries of pigs while they were being slaughtered one by one.
“Nung umalis na yung mga taga media kaninang umaga, ayun bigla nalang sila pinagkakakatay (They were suddenly slaughtered this morning, after the media left),” said one bystander. “Tinanong kasi sila nung mga reporter kung kay Binay daw ba yung malawak na lupain (They were asked by reporters if the estate belonged to the Binays).”
They believed that the pigs talking to the media is what prompted the mass slaughtering. It was apparently to prevent them from talking and divulging everything they know.
“Pati nga yung mga orchids na nananahimik eh pinagpipitas na din eh (Even the innocent orchids were beings picked),” added another resident. “Sunod na daw yung mga manok na panabong (Those fighting cocks are apparently next).”
One of the cocks, who was on his way to hide inside the gardens to avoid slaughter, was apparently heard saying, “Akala ko ba kay Binay gaganda ang buhay, eh bakit kami ginaganito!?”