MANILA, Philippines — Malacañang announced today that it is commemorating the 42nd anniversary of the declaration of martial law of former president Ferdinand Marcos by giving away free rides to Marcos loyalists and revisionists on various time machines commissioned by the administration.
The event, dubbed “If Only I Was There”, brought various exhibitors to the event showcasing their time travel contraptions for Marcos Loyalists to try out.
“For a limited time only, these die-hards can avail of a special promo to get a free ride on one of these time machines,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, one of the scientists invited to the event. “All they have to do is sit back and relax, and this machine will take them back 42 years ago, when everything was ‘fine and dandy'”.
“If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit,” the doctor added.
Other exhibitors includes Lucca from the city of Truce, who brought her Telepod with the help of her companion, Gato; as well as a time machine in the form of a telephone booth brought here by Dr. Rufus.
“Yung mga kabataan ngayon bilib na bilib, kesyo yung exchange rate daw noong panahon ni Marcos ay $1:P1,” said Dr. Napoleon Dinamita, one of the local exhibitors and inventor of the Time Machine Modulus. “Sa pamamagitan nito, mapapatunayan nila mismo kung totoo ba yung mga nababasa nila sa Facebook.”
Dr. Dinamita is also hoping that through this experience, kids these days wouldn’t be so gullible into believing everything they read on the internet.
He added, “Mabuti nang magtanong-tanong muna tayo at magisip-isip bago ibuka ang ating mga bibig, nang sa gayon ay maiwasan nating magmukhang tanga.“
The week-long event would run till the 28th of September and is open to everyone who wants to live and breath the real Martial Law experience.
“We can guarantee that these machines are 100% safe and that they really really work,” said Deputy Presidential Spokesman, Avigail Balte. “But I’d like to reiterate that we cannot guarantee the passenger’s safe return.”
“Not because these time machines are broken, mind you,” clarified Balte. “But because of many other uncontrollable and unforeseen reasons, including abduction, assassination, forced disappearances, torture, murder or salvage.”