Abad: I Have Stage 5 Amnesia

abad press conMANILA, Philippines — After Senator Miriam Defensor Santiag0 announced today that she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, Department of Budget & Management (DBM) secretary Florencio Abad came out today in a press conference held at Malacañang bearing bad news.

“Allow me to introduce myself to you as the only cabinet member who has been diagnosed with stage 5 amnesia as of yesterday. I’m suffering from memory loss which makes it hard for me to remember stuff. I don’t know what the reaction of my enemies will be, on one hand I might die, and that they could get rid of me, or I might survive and get rid of them,” said Abad.

He added, “The doctors discovered that I have what they call mild cognitive impairment, that brought changes to my concentration, attention and mental quickness along with selective memory loss.”

The budget secretary noticed the onset of amnesia after the Supreme Court declared yesterday the Disbursement Acceleration Program (DAP) as unconstitutional.

“I was sitting on my couch watching the news, and just then and there I muttered, ‘Who the fuck thought that they could get away with this?'” he recalled.

Sec. Butch Abad, wipe off his tears during the press conference.

Sec. Butch Abad, wipe off his tears during the press conference.

Saying that he has no recollection on whose magnificent brain the DAP materialized from, Abad’s face was clueless when asked if the DAP was indeed used to bribe senators during Corona’s impeachment trial.

“Corona who?” was the Secretary’s response; adding that whoever’s great idea it was that the obviously unconstitutional DAP would go on unnoticed must be a real “douchebag”.

“Where does the President get these kinds of government officials,” he said. “Sana sa susunod, bago sya pumayag sa mga ideya ng kanyang gabinete, ay usisain muna nya kung may nilalabag ba itong saligang batas.”

He added that even a man who is suffering from stage 5 amnesia can easily spot the flaws and holes in the controversial program.

His doctor,  Gregorio Balay was optimistic that Abad would get healthy soon, saying that their diagnosis only revealed amnesia as his main condition.

“Based on our tests, Sec. Abad only has memory loss to contend with,” said Balay.

“The good news is like most people in the government, he doesn’t seem to suffer from any stages of delicadeza or symptoms of shame.”

21 thoughts on “Abad: I Have Stage 5 Amnesia

  1. Hahahaha!! Ang galing. Nakakainis na nakakatawa. Nakakainis kasi ginagawang tanga ni Abad at ni PNoy ang Pilipino. Nakakatawa kasi hindi tanga ang Pilipino.

  2. Hello Butch Abad. My name is Memory. And I am here to remind you how embarrassed your late sister, the great artist Pacita Abad, for your being PNoy’s puppy dog.

  3. Hmm..let me have a go at this…Miriam D, Santiago has stage 4 Cancer ( I’m praying for her I like her)….now Abad has Stage 5 memory loss (hmm funny he didn’t forget to skip a number there)…so..are we expecting a Stage 6 Hypertension and allergy alibi from Bong Revilla, a Stage 7 midget brain from Unggoy este Jinggoy and a Stage 8 blindness,deafness,and old age bruhaha from Enrile?? I want PNOY as stage 70 ..sa O -kalbo – BINGO !!!

  4. So far, non of the people who made comments really understood the meaning of “satire”. If you read the bottom: “What did you think about this SATIRICAL article?” You’d know how idiotic your comments are, making drastic accusations without realizing that the article is SATIRICAL in nature. LOL.

  5. Really? People still don’t know this site posts only satirical articles? Oh well I’ll just enjoy reading the dumb comments🙂

  6. hahahah i never thought this is a satirical article until i reached the comment section and the last comment..funny indeed… kudos to the author…hahha…

  7. Napaka gago naman gabinete yang si abad! Murang mura ang memory plus d sya makabili! Siguro nakalimutan nya kung saan nya nilagay yung ninakaw nila dahil nga pala sa sakit nya! Karma na sa inyo yan aabot sa stage 10 yang amnesia mo pag pinarusahan at nakulong ka na! Myembro pala yan ng hayok 10 ni Gloria marami pang ganyan klase ng Tao ang naka upo Kay abnoy! Ka awa2 ang bansa natin puro mga Pilipino din ang sumisira sa bansa natin! Tama nga ang ka sabihan ang sumisira sa bakal ay kalawang!

  8. Pingback: Aquino & Abad Seen With Halos Above Their Heads | So, What's News?

  9. Pingback: Aquino & Abad Seen With Mysterious Halos Above Their Heads | So, What's News?

  10. you know Juan, your name does suit you.

    Satire – Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon and as a tool to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society.

    of course we know na hindi totoo yung news. pero it doesnt change the fact na, kung aware ka sa mga balita ngayon, na pinapalabas ng Malacanang na malinis yung dalawa dito sa issue ng DAP. yun yung gusto i-point out nung iba.

    makinig or manood ka ng balita minsan. hindi yung puro ka FB at DOTA.

  11. Pingback: Hyatt Willing to Let Abad Use One of Its Function Rooms for Free | So, What's News?

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