MANILA, Philippines — After Senator Miriam Defensor Santiag0 announced today that she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, Department of Budget & Management (DBM) secretary Florencio Abad came out today in a press conference held at Malacañang bearing bad news.
“Allow me to introduce myself to you as the only cabinet member who has been diagnosed with stage 5 amnesia as of yesterday. I’m suffering from memory loss which makes it hard for me to remember stuff. I don’t know what the reaction of my enemies will be, on one hand I might die, and that they could get rid of me, or I might survive and get rid of them,” said Abad.
He added, “The doctors discovered that I have what they call mild cognitive impairment, that brought changes to my concentration, attention and mental quickness along with selective memory loss.”
The budget secretary noticed the onset of amnesia after the Supreme Court declared yesterday the Disbursement Acceleration Program (DAP) as unconstitutional.
“I was sitting on my couch watching the news, and just then and there I muttered, ‘Who the fuck thought that they could get away with this?'” he recalled.
Saying that he has no recollection on whose magnificent brain the DAP materialized from, Abad’s face was clueless when asked if the DAP was indeed used to bribe senators during Corona’s impeachment trial.
“Corona who?” was the Secretary’s response; adding that whoever’s great idea it was that the obviously unconstitutional DAP would go on unnoticed must be a real “douchebag”.
“Where does the President get these kinds of government officials,” he said. “Sana sa susunod, bago sya pumayag sa mga ideya ng kanyang gabinete, ay usisain muna nya kung may nilalabag ba itong saligang batas.”
He added that even a man who is suffering from stage 5 amnesia can easily spot the flaws and holes in the controversial program.
His doctor, Gregorio Balay was optimistic that Abad would get healthy soon, saying that their diagnosis only revealed amnesia as his main condition.
“Based on our tests, Sec. Abad only has memory loss to contend with,” said Balay.
“The good news is like most people in the government, he doesn’t seem to suffer from any stages of delicadeza or symptoms of shame.”