Enrile Seeking “Elixir of Life” to Prevent Dying in Jail

enrileMANILA, Philippines — After saying just a week ago that he is ready to die in jail, Senator Juan Ponce Enrile’s recent legal actions prove that he isn’t ready to “kick the bucket” after all.

The 90-year-old senator, who is accused of plunder in the PDAF scam made the statement after being asked by reporters if he is ready for his arrest.

“I’m prepared. Even if I’ll die in my cell, it’s okay. At my age, I’ve gone through life already,” Enrile said in an interview.

But it would seem like the nonagenarian lawmaker had a change of heart.

After asking the Sandiganbayan to grant him bail due to bad health over the weekend, Enrile’s camp filed today a supplemental motion to oppose the issuance of a warrant against him.

Hindi pa pala po handa ang client namin na mamatay sa loob ng piitan,” said Atty. Godofredo Umali. “Nadala lang sya ng emosyon at alam mo naman ang mga senador, madradrama.

According to Umali, their next move will involve asking the courts to allow Enrile to travel to India, to seek renowned alchemist Dr. Apu Nahasapeemapetilon for a bottle of his miraculous Amrita, or elixir of life.

The Indian Alchemist is famous for his celebrity clients, including Hollywood love triangle Madeline Ashton, Ernest Menville and Helen Sharp.

Sana payagan nila kami,” added Umali. “Our client is pleading the courts to allow him to stay alive longer to be able to face the music.”

Enrile & Reyes, not playing Bejewelled.

If all else fails, his legal team will cite claustrophobia in order to sway Sandiganbayan to allow him to post bail.

That or monophobia, para dalawa sila ni Ma’am Gigi sa loob ng kulungan,” he said. “Magsawa silang magBejewelled sa loob.”


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