MANILA, Philippines — Outgoing rehabilitation czar Panfilo “Ping” Lacson has accepted President Benigno Aquino’s new offer for him to be the “blind item czar” who will oversee revelations of anomalous activities in various government agencies.
Lacson said he accepted the job offer after getting a series of anonymous tips over the weekend from agency insiders and concerned citizens of scandal-stricken departments.
As the blind item czar, Lacson will manage not only revealing anomalous activities inside government agencies but also those of under-performing cabinet members without naming names or without giving specific details.
“When the President asked me if I could be in charge of piquing the public’s interest with juicy insider infos without being too specific, I immediately said, ‘Yes,’ and asked for full creative freedom on my revelations and to not name my sources, as usual,” he said.
He added that Filipinos can’t get enough of juicy blind-item-esque bombshells, especially those pertaining to politics and corruption, believing anything given them to just as long as it is from a “reliable source“.
The newly appointed czar plans to release weekly blind items that are intentionally vague and ambiguous, but with the right amount of intrigue to fan the flames.
“Alam ng pangulo na expertise natin ang mga pasabog na ganito, kaya gagawin ko ang lahat ng aking makakaya para hindi ko kayo mabigo.”
When asked to provide a sample, Lacson obliged, saying, “Sinetch itetch na senador na dating majubis at ngayon at fayatollah kumenis, ang na-Rita Gomez sa jupiter nya sa pudra dahil pumirma itey sa Blue Ribbon Committee Report?”
When the media answered correctly, he gave a resounding, “Flangak!”
“Minsan nga hindi mo na kailangang mag bigay pa ng hints kasi sila na sarili magko-connect-the-dots kung sino ba yung pinapatamaan mo eh,” said Lacson. “Ganun tayo kagaling!“
Lacson’s new appointment came on the heels of the appointment of Francis “Kiko” Pangilinan as the Presidential Adviser on Food Security and Agricultural Modernization, whose successful foray in the agricultural mobile game Hay Day, factored heavily in Malacañang’s decision.
Future appointees includes current Department of Health’s (DOH) Eric Tayag as secretary for the Department of Interpretive Dance and former senator Jamby Madrigal to head the newly formed Department of iPad Giveaways.