MANILA, Philippines — The Catholic Bigots and Chauvinists of the Philippines (CBCP) headed by Fr. Calvin Castro of CBCP’s Konsumisyon of Family and Life announced today that they are celebrating the historical ruling of the Supreme Court, declaring the RH Law constitutional via a grand event called “Fuckapalooza”.
The Supreme Court (SC) unanimously declared the Reproductive Health (RH) law constitutional but struck down 8 provisions partially or in full.
SC spokesman Theodore Te said in a press briefing on Tuesday, April 8: “The RH law is not unconstitutional.” (full story here)
“Although we are saddened by the Supreme Court’s decision, we would not take this sitting down,” said Castro. “Instead of being sad, the Lord has taught us to look at the bright side, especially with the recent turn of events.”
Fuckapalooza is an event organized by the CBCP where participants will try to set a Guinness World Record for “The Most Number of Married Couples Simultaneously Using the Withdrawal Method”.
Saying that “drastic times call for drastic measures”, Castro added that “before Filipinos wise up to the various benefits of reproductive health services”, his group would try to squeeze in a “last ditch effort.”
With the RH law being declared constitutional, Castro revealed that he’ll miss the days when Filipinos would pray so hard that they would not get pregnant again.
“Dati rati, ipagdadasal mo talaga na ‘Lord, sana hindi ako ulit mabuntis,’ pagkatapos ‘nyong magtalik ni mister” he said. “Ngayong, magiging kampante na sila sa dami ng pagpipiliang serbisyo sa pagplaplano ng kanilang pamilya, which scares us the most.”
Aside from setting a world record, Fuckapalooze also aims to celebrate the Philippines moving out of the dark ages with a bang, figuratively and literally.
“Make that simultaneous bangs,” said Castro.