Having trouble finding that perfect gift or date idea for Valentine’s Day? Feeling like you can no longer say it with flowers? Maybe these 8 gift ideas will help you with your conundrum. Presenting:
1. A Romantic Three-Course Merienda Date
Treat your special someone to a romantic three-course merienda date consisting of pancit, sandwich and empanaditas. Your date would be left in awe, not because of the delicious snacks in front of her, but because of the sheer amount of money you spent on the date: Thirty Five Million Pesos (P35,000,000.00).
2. Binay Eau De Toilette
Description from the product box: “Dahil sa nais kong palaging magpapogi at magpabango, naisipan ko pong maglabas ng sarili kong produkto para sa masa. Nawa’y mag-amoy mabango kayo mula umaga hanggang sa pagtulog kapag ginamit nyo itong produktong ito. At sana ay maaasahan ko kayo sa taong 2016.”
3. Vhong Navarro Infidelity Outfit
Are you suspicious about your significant other not being faithful to you? Scare the beejeezus out of him when you give him the same style of clothes as the controversial TV host when he was beaten up. See how he would react when you invite him over the weekend and request that he wear the clothes that you gave him.
4. Toy Truck Loaded with Ferrero Rocher Chocolates
When the chocolates that you give her annually is becoming stale due to uninspired packaging, it’s time to take it to the next level. Inspired by the creativity of Senator Bong Revilla, surprise your special someone with a toy-truckload of Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Because when you are having difficulties getting your message across, it’s sometimes best to think outside the box.
5. David Tan Rice-All-You-Can Gift Voucher
Is your date the type who’s into carbo-loading? Introducing the “David Tan Rice-All-You-Can Gift Voucher” that is honored in any dining establishments that serve rice. Your date will have a blast as he/she can eat to his/her heart’s content and experience what it would feel like to be a big time rice smuggler.
6. Autographed Picture of Tanda’s “Flappy Bird” (NSFW)
Are you the type of woman who only wants to be treated special and pampered on Valentine’s Day without your date hoping to get some sexual action in return afterwards? Surprise him with this autographed picture of Tanda’s manhood when you start to feel your date making sexual advances, because nothing spoils a man’s erotic thoughts more than a photo of an old man’s skinny and flabby genitals.
7. Special Invitation to CBCP’s “Fuckapalooza”
Is your married life getting more and more predictable with every passing Valentine’s Day? Tired of the candle-lit dinners, David Pomeranz concert or the long walks in the park? What better way to buck the trend than by bringing your wife to the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines’s (CBCP) Fuckapalooza, where participants will all try to set a new world record for “The Most Number of Married Couples Simultaneously Using The Withdrawal Method**”.
8. Mar Roxas Eau De Toilette
Not to be outdone by Binay, Mar Roxas also came out with his own brand of perfume. Product description found on the box: “Kung ano man ang iyong pakay, mapa-condo, mapa-mall, o di kaya’y mapa-probinsya, siguradong nariyan ako para magpogi at magpabango. Asahan ko po kayo sa 2016.”
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
**Results may vary.