President Aquino Also Admits Not Having Sex

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Photo courtesy of @ANCALERTS on Twitter

MANILA, Philippines  — President Aquino believes that the success of his administration’s “daang matuwid” right now is because he too doesn’t have sex.

This revealing statement was made a day after his host-actress sister, Kris Aquino, revealed on her morning talk show that the success she’s enjoying is because of her being celibate.

“I know my priorities as a president, and having sex is definitely not one of them,” said the President during his keynote speech at the Good Governance Summit held at the Philippine International Convention Center (PICC).

“My predecessors had sex once, twice or thrice a week during their terms, look where we ended up,” he added.

Aquino also believes that the reforms at the Bureau of Customs (BOC) pushed through because he is celibate.

Blushing midway through his speech, he added, “Kapag hindi ka nagsesex, mas maraming kang oras para magreboot, gaya ng sa computer, ng mga ahensyang tulad ng BOC (If you’re not having sex, you have more time you to reboot, similar to a computer, on agencies such as the BOC).

The reference to computers did not stop there, as the President went on to tackle the issues pertaining to the overpriced bunkhouses that does not meet international standards.

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“We don’t necessarily have to follow international standards. We are in the Philippines, that is why we just ‘copy-pasted’ the designs of most shanties scattered across the country,” he added.

“When I prayed, I said, ‘God, as long as my bosses are happy, even without a partner, I’m okay. But please do not make me feel lonely. Whatever fulfillment and joy I feel with them, I hope you’ll allow it to continue. But if the time comes that I become lonely, you know what to do,” Aquino said.

Aquino ended his speech by persuading all cabinet members to refrain from having sexual intercourse, in order to fast track reforms in the government.

“We should all agree to ‘reformat’ our hard dicks and press the ‘shutdown’ button on our sexual urges. Focus on ‘safely removing’ the corrupt ways  of our system and ‘scan for viruses’ every nook and cranny of our government offices.”

The audience gave him a rapturous standing ovation which lasted at least 68 seconds.

30 thoughts on “President Aquino Also Admits Not Having Sex

  1. That’s the reason maybe . . aside from autism. . and now that he is grown up. . his father had told about him to friends before. . “HE HAS NO DRIVE. . “. . Shouting is NOT DRIVE. .doing concrete substantial action completely to the end – result IS REAL DRIVE. . THAT CENTERPOINT OF GENDER RELATIONSHIP’S FLOW OF ELECTRONS (SEX) ACCEPTABLE BY SOCIETY AND RELIGIOUS STANDARDS COMPLETES A MAN’S DEVELOPMENT. . AND INTELLECTUAL BALANCE. . FOR EVENTHO’ HE HAS NO SEX,. . .HE IS NOT A SAINT. . DOES HE ASPIRE TO BE ONE?. .

  2. Kaya pala ang dami palpak sayo kc wala kang sex… Alam mo la maganda sa katawan na may katalik ka, kesa sa wala… Kaya pala baluktot ang tuwid na daan mo!

  3. a president should not talk this in public….his position connotes respect, integrity and a high extent of professionalism and morality….the nation faces numerous problems, like corruption, smuggling, drug trafficking, unemployment, ito dapat priority nya. nkkahiya na nga tayo sa ibang bansa for having an incompetent president….dadagdagan pa ba ng ganitong behaviour. mr. Pres. bigyan mo namn ang mga pilipino ng khit mn lang kaunting kahihiyan, you owe it to us….please lang.

  4. parehas lang sila magkapatid ni kristd, wala silang pinagkaibhan….ang pamilyang ito ang nagwawasak ng ating morals, papanp pa makabangon ang pilipinas nyan eh ang nasa utak puro SEX…..lahi ng mga baliw

  5. Same with other “controversial” articles, the comments section is now becoming more entertaining than the article itself due to the failure of some readers to understand the meaning of “SATIRE”…

  6. THE WHOLE WORLD DOESN’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR “S” LIFE. IT IS IRRELEVANT TO MENTION IN THE SUMMIT. YOU NEED COUNSELING..MR. PRESIDENT,

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