MANILA, Philippines — President Aquino believes that the success of his administration’s “daang matuwid” right now is because he too doesn’t have sex.
This revealing statement was made a day after his host-actress sister, Kris Aquino, revealed on her morning talk show that the success she’s enjoying is because of her being celibate.
“I know my priorities as a president, and having sex is definitely not one of them,” said the President during his keynote speech at the Good Governance Summit held at the Philippine International Convention Center (PICC).
“My predecessors had sex once, twice or thrice a week during their terms, look where we ended up,” he added.
Aquino also believes that the reforms at the Bureau of Customs (BOC) pushed through because he is celibate.
Blushing midway through his speech, he added, “Kapag hindi ka nagsesex, mas maraming kang oras para magreboot, gaya ng sa computer, ng mga ahensyang tulad ng BOC (If you’re not having sex, you have more time you to reboot, similar to a computer, on agencies such as the BOC).“
The reference to computers did not stop there, as the President went on to tackle the issues pertaining to the overpriced bunkhouses that does not meet international standards.
“We don’t necessarily have to follow international standards. We are in the Philippines, that is why we just ‘copy-pasted’ the designs of most shanties scattered across the country,” he added.
“When I prayed, I said, ‘God, as long as my bosses are happy, even without a partner, I’m okay. But please do not make me feel lonely. Whatever fulfillment and joy I feel with them, I hope you’ll allow it to continue. But if the time comes that I become lonely, you know what to do,” Aquino said.
Aquino ended his speech by persuading all cabinet members to refrain from having sexual intercourse, in order to fast track reforms in the government.
“We should all agree to ‘reformat’ our hard dicks and press the ‘shutdown’ button on our sexual urges. Focus on ‘safely removing’ the corrupt ways of our system and ‘scan for viruses’ every nook and cranny of our government offices.”
The audience gave him a rapturous standing ovation which lasted at least 68 seconds.