Senate Bill No. 1158, or the “Magna Carta for Ordinary Criminals” was filed yesterday after the delivery of the Senator’s privilege speech.
In filing Senate Bill 1158 as one of his priority measures, Estrada says in its explanatory note, “The draft Magna Carta for Ordinary Criminals seeks to ensure protection of the rights and welfare of everyday, run-of-the-mill criminals. It seeks to recognize a specific right of a lawbreaker, specifically the right to deliver a privilege speech before being arrested; institute mechanisms for the enforcement and protection thereof, and implement standards set forth by this bill.”
To wit, a privilege speech of a common criminal according to Senate Bill 1158 may include one or more of the following:
- Recite this famous quote in any language or dialect that you prefer, while liberally changing the amount of fingers. The more the fingers, the better.
For example: “When you point one finger, there are seventeen thousand two hundred thirty eight fingers pointing back at you.”
- Criticize media for sensationalizing the crime that one just committed.
For example: “Araw-araw, kami ang inuulam ng mga readers/manunuod: ‘Manyakis Tiklo! Huli sa Akto!’ ganyan!“
- React to being singled out by authorities or the failure to arrest crooks similar to him or her.
For example: “Bakit ako lang hinuli nyo, eh ang dami pang snatcher ng cellphone dyan sa paligid (Why am I the only one being arrested, there are other cellphone snatchers besides me)?!”
- Downplay the crime that was committed.
For example: “Kung maka worst murderer naman kayo. Isa lang naman pinatay ko, samantalang yung iba dyan massacre pa nga eh (You make it seem like I massacred a ton of people by calling me the “worst murderer”. I only killed one! ONE!)!”
- Share knowledge to authorities about other criminals leading to their arrest. Which may not have been possible if one was not arrested.
For example: “Teka, bago nyo ako ikulong, si Junjun at Jhepoy, alam ko saan sila nagtatago (Wait, before taking me away, I know Junjun and Jhepoy’s wherabouts)!”
- Mention a commercial product in the hopes of getting endorsement deals of said product.
For example: “Bakit si Boyet, 64GB na gintong iPhone 5S ang ninakaw nya a; na inaamin ko naman na napakaganda, napakabilis at tiyak na sulit na sulit ang babayarang P78,000.00 (What about Boyet, who stole a 64GB iPhone 5S Gold; which I must admit is very pretty, very fast and certainly worth every centavo of the P78,000.00 that you’ll fork over)? “
- Reiterate how you are a victim of the ‘system’.
For example: “Hindi ko ninakaw itong kotse. Porke ba binasag ko ang bintana, pumasok, kinalikot ang wiring, at iminaneho pauwi itong SUV na hindi ko pagaari eh carnapper na ako? Bulok talaga ang sistema sa Pinas (I didn’t steal the car. Just because I broke the window, entered the vehicle, hot-wired it and drove home an SUV without the owner’s permission, doesn’t mean that I am a carnapper. This is a flawed system)!
- Criticize accuser’s overseas travel habit.
For example: “Ate, hindi ako ang nagnakaw ng mga maleta mo sa airport. Mukhang lagi po kayong may jet-lag kaka-biyahe nyo sa ibang bansa a (Bitch, I didn’t steal your luggage at the airport. It seems that you’re still suffering from jet-lag due to your frequent travels abroad)!”
- Any other topics that are irrelevant to the crime that you are accused of.
For example: “Boss, chief, amo, sir, napakaganda talaga ni Jessy Mendiola, di po ba (Boss, chief, sir, Jessy Mendiola is really stunning, isn’t she)?”
- Optional dance number if the bombshell of a speech promised to the public was a dud and left them wanting for more.
For example: Watch this (Pasintabi lang po sa mga naghahapunan…).
Most important of all, never prove your innocence during your privilege speech. Never.