SWN’s Fearless Forecast for the Year 2013

So, What’s News is proud to present our fearless forecast for the year 2013.

FEARLESS_FORECAST-2013

JANUARY 

  • Now that the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill has been signed into law, expect groups of the bill’s opponent to ask the Supreme Court for a temporary restraining order (TRO). And expect more facepalm worthy statements from out-of-touch-stuck-in-the-dark-ages bishops. 
  • DOH would report high numbers of new year revelry related injuries despite increased campaign against firecrackers and beauty-queen-backed campaign . The department will eagerly await future dance craze to be used in next year’s campaign.
  • Politicians running in May’s election to announce that they are in a relationship with a showbiz personality to boost popularity. For example: Loren Legarda and Coco Martin (#LoCo Loveteam) and  Koko Pimentel & Piolo Pascual (#KoPiKo)

FEBRUARY

  • Cybercrime Law TRO expires while campaign period starts. How convenient. For them.
  • The President’s love life would again be put in the spotlight
  • Star Cinema and GMA Films would each release a romantic movie just in time for Valentine’s Day. Their next movie after this would be released in December for the Metro Manila Film Festival.

MARCH

  • Graduating students can achieve their dreams of working in the Business  Process Outsourcing (BPO) industry.
  • Fuel prices will increase every week as the Holy Week approaches.
  • Transport groups will mount a “transport caravan”; which in reality, is actually a transport strike masked under a different name to avoid getting their franchise suspended or revoked by the Land Transportation Franchising & Regulatory Board (LTFRB). Cowards.

APRIL

  • Earth Day will be celebrated on the 22nd. Should be celebrated whole year long. Every year. 
  • Despite earlier reports of preparedness, election paraphernalia would be found out to be lacking. Government cramming, at its finest.
  • Election violence increases. As usual.
  • Meralco blames increase generation charge & high consumption for price hike. Does not mention greed.

MAY

  • Labor groups to demand wage increase again. Government to come up with alternate schemes to “address” the clamor. 
  • Despite the previous year’s evidence of elected official’s performance inadequacy, Filipinos would still reelect them.
  • Honest-to-serve party list groups starting with the letter A, will be fuming mad to find out that they are at the bottom of the list on the official ballot. Because they have such high trust in Filipino’s voting practices.
  • Power interruptions during elections on certain parts of the country still surprises authorities.
  • Another Fil-Am makes it to the top 12 of American Idol. Mike Enriquez to show angry facial expressions when reporting of the Fil-Am’s exit from the contest again.

JUNE

  • School opening and the rainy season officially starts. Government officials to seriously contemplate moving school opening in September. Again.
  • Local government will boast of flood preparedness by showing newly acquired rubber boats, first aid kits and etc. Does not mention any plans to address fixing sewage systems and flood control.
  • More and more children not appreciating the significance of Independence Day. Thinks it’s just a day where classes are suspended.
  • Some loser candidate to accuse someone of cheating. Crosses fingers that he/she be proven correct as soon as possible.

JULY

  • Lawmakers to propose new bills that would pale in comparison with the Anti-Angry Birds bill or the Anti-Rama bill.
  • The President would still blame the previous administration for the problems facing the country in his annual State of the Nation Address (SONA).
  • Hollywood summer blockbusters still cannot compete with movies like Praybeyt Benjamin and Sisterakas when it comes to box office revenues. Experts baffled.

AUGUST

  • Another “The most _______ in the world” story to bring pride to the Philippines. 
  • Concurrently, another “The worst _______ in the world” story to spark debate among in-denial Filipinos.
  • Hashtags like #Jamich46thMonthsary and #KathNielForeverAndEver would still top Twitters trending topics.
  • After almost a year in the United States, Kabang the “Hero Dog” does a “Charice“: Snubs media interviews due to tight security by her bodyguards.

SEPTEMBER

  • Apple to announce new iPhone. Fans rush to Facebook to sell their “pre-loved” device. 
  • Malacañang celebrates anniversary of the signing into law of The Cybercrime Prevention Act by stealthily signing another bill that threatens freedom of expression.
  • Media outlets to announce start of “ber” months. Prepares mindset of viewers into start saving for the holiday expenses.

OCTOBER

  • The government announces breakthrough developments in the ongoing peace talks with Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) breakaway groups, Bangsamoro Democratic Separatist Movement (BDSM) and Muslims for Territorial Occupancy of Mindanao (MTOM). 
  • Malls to start decorating establishment with Halloween themed decors.
  • Price of fuel starts to increase weekly again. I wonder why?
  • New international doughnut franchise enters the Philippine market. People willing to wait in line for hours again.

NOVEMBER

  • Philippine National Police (PNP) to be on heightened alert for All Saints Day weekend. Criminals wised up. 
  • Consumers starts to flock to Starbucks to participate in their annual ritual: Claim the planner and post it on Facebook to the envy of their friends.
  • New international doughnut franchise found out to only be a re-branded Dunkin’ Donut. Consumers still willing to fall in line because it’s the fad.

DECEMBER

  • Price of Noche Buena items increases. 
  • Before ending the year, Filipinos to accuse a Hollywood celebrity of being racist. Demands apology or face “imaginary” repercussions.
  • Malls entices shoppers with fictional holiday sales by promoting large amount of percentage discounts. Usually using in large and bold characters.
  • DOH to start its campaign against firecracker usage anew. Falls on deaf ears.

Do you have other prediction for next year. Post it in the comments section below.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!

8 thoughts on “SWN’s Fearless Forecast for the Year 2013

  1. “March – Graduating students can achieve their dreams of working in the Business Process Outsourcing (BPO) industry.” — Sad, but true. Nothing against the BPO industry, it’s just that the government is doing nothing in order to diversify the employment opportunities, or if it is hopeless for them to do that, at least re-align the curriculum or guide would-be college students to courses that will ultimately fit the course they will graduate from 4-5 years from now.

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