CBCP’s Answer to Increased Teenage Pregnancies: Free Baptism

A priest smiles while a baby cries during the latter’s baptism.

MANILA, Philippines — As the scheduled voting for the controversial Reproductive Health Bill (RH Bill) in the House of Representatives approaches, members of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines has answered the clamor to queries as to what they are doing to solve the rising number of teenage pregnancies in the country.

“We kept hearing Pro-RH groups saying that we are not doing anything to solve the problem,” said Bishop Hermano Bedsin of Manila, in an exclusive interview. “What they don’t know is that we have taken action regarding the matter and are now offering free baptismal services to babies with teenage parents.”

He added, “We are aware of the low income of these teenagers, especially after giving birth. That is why we offer their firstborns with this promo to ease their economic situation.”

According to Bishop Bedsin, the CBCP will offer even more incentives for additional children born into this world by said teenage parents. Besides the free baptismal, they would also include toys for the child as well as toys for the parents. “This would keep the child busy playing with the toy, and entice the parents to ‘play’ even more.”

On the parent’s third and succeeding child, we would offer them nutrition by supplying them with feasts every month. Included in the buffet, but not limited to, are:

  • Baked Oysters
  • Triple Layer Chocolate Cakes
  • Ginkgo biloba capsules
  • Avocados
  • Whipped creams

Other rewards includes counseling and enlightenment on the merits of having lots of kids. “We’ll teach them that when their children grows up, they would benefit the church their family by helping them with household chores and aid them financially when they seek employment.”

When asked about the plight of poverty-stricken families that have more than two children and can barely feed them, Bishop Bedsin has this to say:

“Do you suggest contraceptives?! Which, as defined by the Catholic Church, by us, as killing!”

He went on to say, “We’d rather see these children be starved to death or be blown away by the strong winds of Gener due to their malnourished body; than to see the Reproductive Health Bill get passed by the House of Representatives.”

“Were you able to really see these children in person and get a first hand look of their malnourished body?” asked this author.

“No to RH Bill!” the bishop answered.

7 thoughts on “CBCP’s Answer to Increased Teenage Pregnancies: Free Baptism

  1. I am so lovin’ the sarcasm😀

    They might as well consider giving out free DSL installation and subscription to help these teens cope with their lives. They can surf the net for tips on how to be good parents, stream MTV’s 16 and Pregnant and trend these senseless topics on Twitter while they’re at it. >_<

What did you think about this SATIRICAL article? Share your thoughts below.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s