NORTH POLE, Arctic Ocean — Santa Claus’ wife announced today that his husband would not visit the country for fear of his safety.
In a webcam interview, Jessica Claus narrated how she came to the decision for Santa to skip the Philippines as a destination this coming holiday season. “I saw on the news the tension in Zamboanga between the government and the lawless elements. Everybody knows these are the MILF, only with a different name. We’re not dumb you know.” She added “The recent killings of Ram Revilla as well as Charice’s father was also a major factor in our itinerary decision making.”
The couple revealed that they are fans of Pinay singing sensation, Charice Pempengco and was shocked to have read the news online. “What is the world coming to when it is no longer safe to buy something on a store around the corner,” quips Mrs. Claus.
Mr. Claus chimed in to add that the recent killing of Sen. Bong Revilla’s half-brother was also senseless. Ram Revilla was stabbed and shot in the head at his home in Parañaque the other day.
Santa proving that he does know if you’ve been bad or good, revealed that he was responsible for the apprehension of Ram’s brother. “I tipped the authorities that his brothers and sisters might be involved and huge amounts of money as being the root cause of the deed.”
Police are currently doing follow-up investigations on the actor’s siblings as there are reports that greed regarding a 1M allowance might be the motive for the killing.
When asked if violence was the sole reason for skipping the country this year, Santa said another factor was that the majority on children’s wishlist here in the Philippines this year were Angry Birds. The elves apparently went on protest when Santa requested them to try and create Angry Bird toys. “The elves at our toy workshop have complained to me that they cannot create such toys. They say that children wanted anything just as long as it had a picture of an angry bird in it and that they (the elves) will not compromise quality and stoop that low,” said Claus.
Santa said that he doesn’t want to make a big deal of the Angry Birds issue, saying that doing so might earn the ire of millions of children in the Philippines but added that he’s a big supporter of Rep. Winston Castelo’s controversial bill nonetheless.
The government have tasked the Department of Tourism (DOT) to entice Mr. & Mrs. Claus to change their minds and see the beauty and wonder of the country. Headed by newly appointed secretary, Ramon Jimenez Jr. , the department will be offering a special package for the couple where they will be taken on a tour to various spots around the country. “From Apari down to Jolo, our plan is to persuade the Claus to reconsider their decision and eventually for them to be permanent residents here in the Philippines,” said Jimenez.
Our sources inside the DOT have bared to SWN what is currently NOT on the itinerary of the Claus’ tour. Locations such as Quirino Grandstand, Basilan, Maguindanao, Zamboanga, Quiapo and Divisoria are noticeably absent from the list . Other locations not on the list are still subject for consideration pending further developments.