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Malacañang Website to Provide Pornographic Content Nationwide

MANILA, Philippines — Malacañang assured the nation’s netizens today that they have nothing to worry about after news of porn sites being blocked by the National Telecommunications Commission (NTC) broke out. “There is nothing to worry about as the President expressed his willingness to provide lewd content for the entire country,” assured Presidential Communications Secretary Martin Andanar during…

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Sen. Tito Sotto Files Resolution For Separate Enteng Kabisote Film Festival™

MANILA, Philippines — After his brother Vic Sotto’s movie was not accepted to the recently held Metro Manila Film Festival, Senate Majority Leader Vicente “Tito” Sotto III now wants a film festival exclusive for his brother’s movies only. In Senate Resolution No. 250,which was filed on Thursday, Sotto proposed that the Metro Manila Development Authority (MMDA) should…

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Andanar to Start Holding Up Sign Stating Whether Duterte is Joking or Not

MANILA, Philippines — Malacañang announced today a drastic measure authorizing Presidential Communications Operations Office (PCOO) Secretary Martin Andanar to clarify in real time whether President Duterte is serious or making a joke whenever the latter delivers a speech in public. “We understand that the Filipino people can sometimes get confused whether or not they will take our…

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Duterte Adds ‘Miss Sexy Knees’ Special Award to Miss Universe 2017

MANILA, Philippines — The Department of Tourism (DOT) has formally announced the addition of a special award personally requested by President Rodrigo Duterte for the Miss Universe pageant on January 30, 2017. “We are proud to announce the addition of a special award suggested by none other than the President himself,” DOT Undersecretary Kat De Castro said during a pres conference.…

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Surprise Marcos Burial Caught Satan Off Guard

GATES OF HELL, Hell — Satan, the Prince of Darkness was caught by surprise with the sudden and sneaky ceremony held today at the Libingan ng mga Bayani (LNMB), where former president Ferdinand Marcos was laid to rest. “WHY WASN’T I INFORMED EARLIER?!” a visibly irked Satan told reporters here on Friday. “Construction of the Marcos Wing has yet to…

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‘Draaahgs’ Named Word of the Year by Oxford Dictionaries

MANILA, Philippines — Oxford Dictionaries has declared ‘draaahgs’ as its 2016 international word of the year, citing Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte’s war on drugs campaign as the driving factor for doing so. It is defined as a substance taken for its narcotic or stimulant effects, often illegally.  Oxford Dictionaries’s word of the year is intended to “reflect…