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Surprise Marcos Burial Caught Satan Off Guard

GATES OF HELL, Hell — Satan, the Prince of Darkness was caught by surprise with the sudden and sneaky ceremony held today at the Libingan ng mga Bayani (LNMB), where former president Ferdinand Marcos was laid to rest. “WHY WASN’T I INFORMED EARLIER?!” a visibly irked Satan told reporters here on Friday. “Construction of the Marcos Wing has yet to…

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‘Draaahgs’ Named Word of the Year by Oxford Dictionaries

MANILA, Philippines — Oxford Dictionaries has declared ‘draaahgs’ as its 2016 international word of the year, citing Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte’s war on drugs campaign as the driving factor for doing so. It is defined as a substance taken for its narcotic or stimulant effects, often illegally.  Oxford Dictionaries’s word of the year is intended to “reflect…

Pilot: It Was Me Who Talked to Duterte

MANILA, Philippines — The pilot of the Tokyo-Manila flight that President Duterte and his entourage took revealed today that it was him all along who spoke to the president concerning his colorful vocabulary. “Yes, it was me,” Pilot-In Command Capt. Jean-Luc Piccard said. “I thought that it was a long shot and I never imagined it to…

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Google Translate Adds New Feature to Interpret Duterte Statements into Layman’s Terms

SILICON VALLEY, California — Web giant Google has unveiled a new version of Google Translate that employs supreme artificial intelligence to provide its best ever interpretation of Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s statements into accurate English. Launched yesterday, the updated Google Translate uses ‘neural machine translation’ to give far more accurate translations of confusing Duterte statements to English. “We are…

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SC Issues TRO Extending Facebook’s Controversial Privacy Policy Deadline

MANILA, Philippines — The Supreme Court (SC) en banc on Monday afternoon temporarily halted the implementation of Facebook’s controversial privacy policy extending the deadline in which netizens can post a disclaimer, opting out and not giving the tech giant permission to make their posts public. The high court issued the temporary restraining order (TRO) after a group of netizens…

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Duterte Tags Agot Isidro in New Drug Matrix

MANILA, Philippines — President Rodrigo Duterte released on Monday a new “drug matrix” which showed Agot Isidro allegedly involved with the illegal drug trade inside the New Bilibid Prison in Muntinlupa City. The new matrix showed a clear and direct line linking Isidro, who recently criticized the President and labelled him a psychopath, to drugs. “Malinaw na malinaw ang…